A Barrel of Ale
by Mira Meliandra
Summary: What happens when two mischievous Dwarflings try to steal and taste some ale? Chaos ensues! A fluffy, funny tale from the childhood of Fíli and Kíli. Rated T for underage stealing and drunkenness, and just to be sure, because I'll never understand the rating system completely.


Author's Note: This story is dedicated to my good friend Alicia457 who never ceases to inspire me. :) With you at my side, everything is easier.

* * *

><p>The sun was setting over the Dwarven community of Ered Luin. Thorin looked out of the window of the house he shared with his sister, Dís, and her two young sons, Fíli and Kíli.<p>

He pressed both fists into the small of his back, stretched and sighed warily.

It had been a long day for the exiled prince. The early morning had seen the arrival of a messenger, a little boy from the other side of the settlement, asking Dís to come see his mother who went into labour. The pregnant Dwarrowdam was a friend of Dís, recently widowed, and alone with two sons of her own and a third child ready to be born. She needed the assistance of her friend, and Dís, having expected this news already for a while, grabbed her coat and a small bag she had packed already and departed in a hurry, leaving her brother in charge of the household and her sons.

Thorin stepped away from the window after watching the sun disappear behind the mountains. He had lit some candles in the living room, took a book and settled into a comfortable armchair in front of the fireplace. The whole house was silent for a moment, and he enjoyed his peace and quiet. He grabbed his tobacco pouch and prepared a pipe, ready to light it, when there was a knock at the door. With yet another sigh, the prince got up, pipe still in hand, and went to the door. A visitor at these hours usually meant business, and not always pleasant business. Frowning, he opened the door, but when he saw who was standing there, his frown vanished. Dwalin grinned broadly and pointed to the little barrel of ale he was carrying under his arm. "Thought you might need some company", he said. And Thorin returned the smile. "That's a wise thought", he said, ushering his old friend and swordbrother in.

While Thorin made a short detour to the kitchen, fetching two heavy wooden tankards, Dwalin already settled into the second armchair, opposite of Thorin's. He placed the barrel onto the small table between the chairs and got his pipe ready. Thorin returned with the tankards, filled them with cold ale, handed one to Dwalin, plopped into his chair and lit his pipe. He sighed again, but this time it sounded more peaceful. He took a healthy swig of ale, followed by a drag on his pipe. He blew a smoke ring and watched it ascend to the wooden beams of the ceiling. Dwalin watched his old friend, recognizing that there was something on Thorin's mind. "What ails you, old friend?" he finally asked.

Thorin sighed again and closed his eyes. "Two Dwarflings, Dwalin. Two little beardlings! By Mahal's hammer, I once was supposed to reign over a whole kingdom… so why is it that two little beardlings are able to drive me to my wits' end, and almost beyond?" Suddenly, there was a sound like gravel sliding down a hillside. Thorin opened his eyes and noticed that Dwalin was chuckling, trying to stifle a wholehearted laugh. He frowned again. "Well, at least one of us seems to think it's funny", he said. Dwalin grinned and raised his tankard. "Tell me more about your day. Then I'll decide whether it was funny. What did the urchins do?"

Thorin puffed at his pipe and closed his eyes. "Well, after Dís left, they soon came into my sleeping room and woke me up. That was around sunrise. And ever since, they kept me wide awake and really busy. Take Kíli, for example. If the lad himself isn't wandering off somewhere, his mind certainly is. He asks the wildest questions, and when he gets answers, he follows them up with the next question. He's talking most of the time, except when he's eating, and oh, he can eat! You'd never believe how much food fits into this scrawny little one!" "Oh, I do", Dwalin butted in. "After all, I've seen you eat in our youth…" "Likewise!" Thorin growled, obviously not moved by Dwalin's most innocent smile. The prince continued his tale. "Whenever Kíli is silent and you don't see him, it usually means that he's up to no good. Only today I had to get him off a tree and out of a hole underneath the roots of another tree where he got stuck. I had to soothe some bee stings he got while trying to steal honey. And I don't even want to know which situations his brother already got resolved before I even noticed! If I had pulled only half of the tricks he did today, Adad would have warmed my bottom!" Dwalin had serious difficulties to keep a straight face. "Sounds like an adventurous lad. He reminds me of someone I once knew. Someone who also had a loyal big brother who pulled him out of trouble a lot of times." Thorin smiled, but this smile was bittersweet; as bittersweet as the memories Dwalin had evoked. He raised his tankard. "To Frerin", he said softly. "To Frerin!" Dwalin answered and both took a healthy swig of ale.

Meanwhile, in the lads' room…

The knock on the door had awoken Kíli. The lad had climbed over his brother's sleeping form, kicking him in the stomach and waking him up in the process. "Kee! What do you think you're doing?" the blonde boy exclaimed. "Shhh! Someone's at the door!" Kíli whispered, jumping off the bed the boys shared and tiptoeing barefoot to the chamber door. He opened the door silently and peeked through the opening. Fíli approached behind him. "Oh, it's only ", he said. "But what's he carrying?" They kept watching as Thorin brought the tankards and filled them with ale. Kíli's dark eyes grew wide. "Mmmmm… Wanna try it!" he said wistfully. "Kee! That's for the adults only!" Fíli chided. "Who says?" "Amad says. And Uncle!" Kíli sighed. "Fee… pleeeeeease… only a little bit!" He turned to his brother and looked up at him with his big brown eyes. Fíli couldn't resist this pleading look and sighed. "Well, nadadith… but, how do we get it?" The lads knew that they could never get past two seasoned warriors. So they had to create a diversion. They stuck their heads together, making plans. And then, they set out to fulfil the plan that would most likely work.

Nobody noticed the window of the boys' room being opened. Nobody noticed the small, slender figure in the brown tunic running across the meadow. and returning a while later, sweating and panting, climbing back through the window and flashing his little brother a winning smile. "Now we only have to wait, Kee!" Fíli said. And they didn't have to wait long.

Thorin and Dwalin shared a worried look as they heard someone knocking loudly at the door. The prince jumped up and opened the door, revealing a small Dwarfling who was only clad in a nightgown and clogs. The boy was breathing heavily. "Come", he stuttered. "Help! Amad's boar is loose!" Dwalin and Thorin grabbed their cloaks and ran after him.

As soon as Thorin and Dwalin had left, the door to the boys' bedroom opened slowly. First, Kíli came out, making a beeline to the table where the two tankards of ale stood. Standing on tiptoes, he pulled one of the tankards down, managing to spill quite a quantity of ale on his blue tunic. "Oops!" he said, realizing that his uncle would find out who stole the ale as soon as he smelled the stench on his sister-son's clothes. But his curiosity overruled his worries, and he grabbed the tankard with both hands and tried his first swig of ale. Moments later, his big brother was at his side, clapping his back as he was coughing his little heart out. Fíli even managed to catch the tankard slipping from Kíli's hands without spilling any more ale. As soon as Kíli's coughing subsided, he made a face and said "Ewww… Guess I need to try again!" He wrenched the tankard from Fíli's hands and gulped down another swig. This time, he managed to swallow without coughing. His eyes brightened. "Better", he said, passing the tankard back to Fíli. The blonde boy stared doubtingly at the ale before trying. "Not bad", he said, taking another swig. The lads passed the tankard back and forth, and soon it was empty. Kíli belched, grinned, stood on his tiptoes and took the second tankard from the table. Fíli watched him and giggled.

After the first swig from the second tankard, Kíli noticed that the floor suddenly seemed to sway under his feet. He looked up at Fíli. "D'you feel this?" he asked. "Huh?" the blonde replied after releasing a hearty belch. "The earthquake", Kíli explained and noticed that his words sounded somewhat strange. "Huh?" Fíli said again, giggling at the sheepish face his little brother made. They continued taking turns drinking from the tankard, noticing that it became harder and harder to grip it because the room kept swaying and started turning.

Kíli tried to sit down on the rug in front of the fireplace, but suddenly his legs gave way under him and he dropped on his bottom. "Oops", he said, giggling wildly and hiccupping. Fíli plopped down next to him, giggling as well. They shared the rest of the ale evenly between them. Soon after, Kíli felt a weird pressure in his stomach. He opened his mouth to release another belch, but then he threw up all over himself and the rug he was lying on. "Uh-oh", he said, while Fíli made a face, appalled by the stench of his brother's vomit, before he sank back and passed out.

Neither of them noticed that the door opened again.

Thorin and Dwalin stumbled back to the house like two soldiers after battle. Dwalin's boots were muddy, as were the legs of his trousers up to his knees, and the hem of his cloak and tunic. Thorin had gotten it even worse. He was limping slightly, his cloak was torn, and the front of his tunic was spattered with mud all over. The eloped boar of his neighbour, Mistress Signy, had given them a hard time. It took a lot of time and effort to corner the stubborn animal and chase it back to its sty. A short examination of the fence had proved that somebody had deliberately opened the latch. Mistress Signy herself had closed the door after feeding the boar, and the whereabouts of her kids were all accounted for during the whole evening. So, the question of who might have set the boar free remained a mystery. Fortunately, the warriors had caught the boar before he had done too much damage to the orchards and fields he had crossed on his way to freedom. Once, Thorin had stepped into a hole and fell face-down in the mud, spraining his ankle and soiling his tunic. That's why his mood wasn't the best to start with. And the sight that presented itself to him upon entering the living room didn't do much to improve it.

"Mahal's hairy…", Thorin started to curse as he saw his nephews in their miserable state, but Dwalin elbowed him sharply and he ended his sentence with a meek "…feet." Dwalin chuckled. "Thank me later. Dís would take a piece out of yer hide if the lads learned such words from you." Thorin just growled and stepped closer to the fireplace to assess the damage.

Fíli lay on his back, snoring loudly, arms and legs sprawled wide, the hem of his tunic and the soles of his bare feet soiled with mud. Thorin frowned and stored this information in his memory for later. But right now, it seemed more urgent to have a closer look at Kíli. The younger of the two Dwarflings was curled up on his side, clutching his stomach and moaning. He was soiled with vomit, as well as the rug he lay upon. The rug stank to high heaven, and the two tankards which had been previously filled with ale, lay empty on the floor. "Rascals!", Dwalin said, but Thorin noticed that there was a hint of laughter in his voice.

He turned to his friend and sighed. "Would you mind heating some water? I'll bring Fíli to bed, but Kíli and I need to be cleaned." He dropped his cloak and tunic on the floor and bent down to retrieve Fíli. The elder of the boys moaned in his sleep before he cuddled close to his uncle. Thorin had to suppress a smile as he carried him to the boys' room and placed him on the broad bed. Fíli turned onto his side and stretched out his arms. "Kee?" he whispered in his sleep. "Soon", Thorin said. "Your brother will soon be with you!" He pulled a blanket over Fíli. On a second thought, he fetched a bucket from the kitchen and placed it next to the bed.

Then he returned to the living room.

Kíli was still lying on the rug. Thorin could hear Dwalin rummaging in the kitchen, and finally the big warrior emerged with a steaming bowl of water and some clean rags. Thorin stripped Kíli of his tunic, dunked a piece of cloth into the water and began cleaning the vomit off Kíli's face and body. Of course, the boy had also managed to soil his unruly dark hair. Thorin cleaned it as good as possible with a wet rag and a comb. There would be time for washing the hair later, when the lad had returned to consciousness. Kíli moaned and mumbled, but didn't resist the gentle ministrations. After cleaning him up, Thorin lifted him up to carry him to the bedroom. His effort was rewarded with another streak of vomit, soiling Thorin's bare chest and his trousers. This time, he didn't hold back the curses. Even Dwalin blushed a bit upon hearing some of the more colourful expletives.

The second time, the prince managed to clean up himself and his youngest sister-son and to carry him into the bedroom without any further accidents. He placed him gently on the mattress and watched with a smile as the little one curled up next to his brother. Sighing, he closed the door

In the meantime, Dwalin had rolled up the stinking rug and placed it on the porch. He even had picked up the discarded clothes of Thorin and Kíli and put them in the laundry basket. And he had retrieved the tankards from the floor and filled them again. "What a night", he said, handing a tankard to Thorin, who took it gratefully and sank into his armchair. "Indeed. What a night." Both lit their pipes and drank from their tankards.

After a while of comfortable silence, Dwalin asked "What are you going to do with the lads?"

Thorin sighed and thought for a while. "Well, they messed up big time", he said. Dwalin frowned. "They only wanted to try what it tastes like, if I remember our own youth correctly. They couldn't know that their stomachs wouldn't agree with the ale." Thorin shook his head. "I'm not talking about this. Didn't you wonder how the boar managed to escape?" "Wait! What do you mean? One of the lads…?" "Indeed. I've noticed that Fíli had mud on the soles of his feet and the hem of his tunic. And I suppose it's the same kind of mud I wore all over my tunic. And the light of day might reveal traces of little feet leading from under the lads' window right to Mistress Signy's pigsty." Dwalin looked at him in awe. "That's really big. I know what our fathers would have done, but what are you going to do?" "I'll talk to them in the morning. They'll most likely have a really bad headache then. This is already the punishment of nature for stealing the ale." He smirked. Dwalin chuckled. "I wonder if they are as grumpy as you always were when you had a big hangover", he teased. "Remember when we stole the Elvish wine? It must have been a sight like the one we got to enjoy tonight… You, Frerin and me, with empty bottles scattered around us." Thorin winced at the memory of this moment. "And then Adad came in. He was so angry! I wouldn't have wondered if he dragged us back to our rooms by our hair!" "Yeah, and the next morning you could barely sit down. And you had to sit through the negotiations with the Elves all day!" Dwalin chuckled, and Thorin squirmed involuntarily in his chair. "Don't remind me of this dark day. Frerin sat in the library all day, having extra lessons. And you spent the day in the saddle", he grumbled. Now it was Dwalin's turn to wince. "Well, I am not like my father. I'll hear them out, and then I'll decide what to do. I'll make sure they're going to learn something from their deed." "Oh, I'd like to know what you're going to decide!" Dwalin said with a big smile. Thorin returned the smile. "Well, you might as well stay here. You can have my bed, and I share with the lads. It's better to have an eye on them if they wake up or get sick again." Dwalin agreed, and the two warriors parted for the night. Thorin returned to the lads' bedroom and sat down on the edge of their bed. Kíli and Fíli were curled up against each other on one half of the mattress, leaving enough space for their uncle to lie down comfortably. After checking the lads' blanket and covering himself with another one, he fell asleep quickly.

In the morning, he woke up with an armful of Dwarfling on each side. Somehow, Kíli had managed to climb over him and snuggle up to his right side, while Fíli remained on the left. He smiled as he listened to the soft snores of his beloved sister-sons. He took a moment to enjoy the warmth of their small bodies next to his own. Delighted, he closed his eyes again.

When he woke up the next time, the sun was already standing high. To both sides of him, similar groans and moans were uttered. And in the doorway leaned a smirking Dwalin, looking at the sight that presented itself to him. Thorin looked down at his sister-sons and had to repress a smirk of his own. Both lads were covering their eyes from the light of the sun and whimpering in unison. "Good morning", he wished them, his voice a deep rumble in his chest. "Owwwww!" Kíli replied. "Not so loud…" Fíli groaned. Dwalin chuckled. "Good morning" he said with the booming voice he usually used at the training grounds, making the lads cringe even more. Thorin sat up in bed and clapped his hands. "Come on, lads, get cleaned up and put on clean clothes! I'm going to make breakfast!" At the mention of breakfast, Fíli grabbed the sick bucket, while Kíli made a dash for the window and threw up into the flower bed outside. Thorin and Dwalin shared a knowing glance before they left the bedroom.

Thorin went into the kitchen, preparing eggs and bacon for himself and Dwalin, cutting thick slices of bread from a loaf Dís had left behind for them. Then, he made some porridge and herbal tea for the lads. There was a concoction of herbs to soothe an upset stomach. Dís knew much about herbs and always kept a small stash of this mixture in her cupboard. For Dwalin and himself, he poured some ale.

Soon, Dwalin wandered into the kitchen, attracted to the smell of bacon. He seated himself, grabbed a slice of bread and lathered a thick layer of butter on it. After taking a hearty bite, he closed his eyes. "Yummy!" he said. "I suppose you didn't bake it. Thorin laughed. "No. Dís left it for us, as well as this kettle of stew above the fire." Dwalin smiled. "Who would have thought that this little firecracker of a sister of yours would turn into such a veritable homemaker?" He had fond memories of the little girl who followed her brothers even onto the training grounds.

Soon, the lads slunk into the kitchen. "Sit!" Thorin ordered them, placing a bowl of porridge and a mug of tea in front of each of the lads. Both were clearly uncomfortable. They looked sheepishly at their food, at each other and at the adults in the room before focussing again on their bowls. Thorin cleared his throat, and the sound made both lads flinch in their seats. They looked up shyly at him. His steely blue eyes met their gaze. Kíli looked down first. "Are you angry, Uncle?" he asked. "Hmmm… What do you think, little cub?" Thorin replied. Kíli hung his head. "I s'ppose so", he said softly. "But I only wanted to know what it tastes like". "Hmmm",. Thorin replied. "But you were supposed to be asleep." "We woke up from the knock on the door", Fíli mumbled. "And then?" Thorin inquired. "I went to the door to look who came…" "…and I followed him…" "…and we saw Mister Dwalin with the barrel…" "…and I wanted to know what it is and what it tastes like…" "…and we needed to create a diversion…" The lads were talking alternately, finishing each other's sentences and weaving them into a tale. "Stop!" Thorin thundered, making both boys flinch again. "Whose idea was it to free the boar?" Fíli hung his head. "Mine", he confessed. "An' I hopped outta the window an' I done it…" Thorin nodded gravely. "Judging by the mud on your soles and the hem of your tunic, I already assumed as much", he said. Fíli blushed hotly, feeling trapped. "Thank you for your honesty, lad", Thorin added, and Fíli looked up at him with a surprised look on his face. "What?" he stammered. "Well, you admitted what you had done wrong, even before I accused you and confronted you with the evidence. You're honourable enough to own up to what you did wrong." Fíli blushed and hung his head again. "Are you going to tell Amad?" he asked shyly. Thorin smiled. "Maybe, if I have to. After all, you're going to need to make up for the damage done." Fíli paled. Thorin continued. "Do you have any idea what the boar could have done if we hadn't managed to capture him on time? He could have dug up and destroyed a whole field of turnips. He could have run over a chicken shed and scared off the chickens. He could have trampled down a field of wheat. Plus, our village needs a boar." Fíli sighed. "Sorry, Uncle. I was reckless and didn't think before I acted." Thorin nodded gravely. "I suggest you should apologize to Mistress Signy and offer to clean out her pigsty for a fortnight." he said. Fíli flinched. "A… a fortnight?" he asked. "Or three weeks. It's your choice!" "I'll run over after breakfast!" the lad promised, and Thorin nodded. "As for you, Kíli", he continued, and his youngest sister-son ducked his head, "you should take over some of your brother's chores, so he has time to clean out the sty." Kíli nodded eagerly. "You're going to take the ashes out and watch over the supply of firewood. And you are going to do the dishes for a whole fortnight" Kíli flinched, but he nodded again. But Thorin wasn't finished yet. "To soothe your upset stomach, Kíli, you'll be getting nothing but porridge and bread, as well as tea, for the next three days." "Ugh", the young boy said and made a face. "It's for your health, laddie!" Thorin emphasized. "And to give the two of you ample time to fulfil your chores", he continued, "there will be no weapons training for a fortnight." Both lads yelped in surprise, but bowed their heads in agreement. "Yes, Uncle", they said meekly. Thorin got up from his seat and extended his arms. "And now come here, lads!" he ordered. Both boys jumped up from their seats and threw themselves into his embrace. "'m sorry, Uncle", Kíli whispered. "Very sorry", Fíli added. Thorin hugged them close. "I know, lads. You're forgiven. I'm proud of you, and I'll always love you." Both boys melted into his embrace. Dwalin watched this moment of domestic bliss with a big smile, until Thorin turned his attention to him. "Mister Dwalin helped me catch the boar you let loose, Fíli. And he put away the rug you threw up upon, Kíli. And he put our clothes away. He deserves thanks as well, boys!" Both Dwarflings threw themselves upon him, and he caught them in an embrace. "Thanks, Mister Dwalin", Kíli said softly. "Thank you!", Fíli chimed in. And he enjoyed the hug as much as they did.

When Dís returned two days later with the happy news of a little girl having been born, the house was almost as orderly as she had left it. The rug in front of the fireplace had been recently cleaned, and Thorin had put a badly torn cloak into her sewing basket. Kíli was taking care of the fire and the dishes, and Fíli was running off every day to clean the neighbour's pigsty. But when Dís asked her brother what happened during her absence, he just pulled her close and smiled. "Don't worry, namadith", he said. "Your sons are being responsible young lads, and I am proud of them." And the firm tone and proud smile of her brother made her stop inquiring. Everything was just fine.


End file.
